I was put up for adoption the first time at birth, the second time at 4. I was adopted at age 5/6, and have had 2 reunions with my birthmother, "L", but we are estranged again.  I will be writing about her as well as a birth-cousin Marla Joleen who was also put up for adoption (now deceased), my birth-brother Pater's suicide, and another birth-cousin I found out was adopted out, whom I have not located yet.  I will be writing about research strategies and adoption dynamics.  Check out my opinions in the book "Confessions of a Lost Mother" if you can find it- I can't remember who wrote it, but I'll get that info soon, too.
ADOPTION
I am starting  a whole adoption history in pictures here... please check it out now, but come back later as I add on to these...
Please check back often as I am working on this site and judging exactly how personal it will be
Unorganized Thoughts
These will change as I progress in my narrative.
"L" told me she never wanted a girl- (she had 3 boys that she kept) she viewed it as competition.  She said she named me Colleen (the Irish word for girl) to make that point. Another time she said it was that plus I was named after a guy that she listed as the father on my birth certificate, "Cole".  I had contact with him (story to follow, later), and it was decided that unless she was pregnant for 10 months, he wasn't the biological father.
I asked "L" on many occasions if I had been abused physically or sexually when I was with her or any of the people she left me with, but she just said probably..... she did say that on one occasion she choked me until I passed out because I had played with her cigarettes that she had left out.  Her comment: You were only 2, but you knew what you were doing, and you did it on purpose.
"L" said that she left me often with my grandfather (her dad), though she didn't want to because it was obvious he doted on me and it made her jealous. 
"L" said it made her really mad when the social workers took me away the 2nd time she put me up for adoption because she had promised me some "bridal doll", and that she had given it to me, but that when the car pulled away I didn't cry, I just looked smug because I had finally gotten the doll.
According to "L", she got really mad the 1st time she put me up for adoption because she thought she was just putting me in foster care. When she found out the foster parents who'd been taking care of me had petitioned for adoption she got mad, went to court and took me back.
During one of our reunion times "L" gave me a ring she said was her mother's (which is probably not true), and got mad when I wouldn't give it back to her for "sizing".  I didn't believe she would give it back, so I refused to take it off.
The first time I talked to "L" after having located her, she got mad because I kept calling her "L" instead of "Mother", and didn't back off, even when I told her I had a  "Mother", who had taken care of me for the past  17 years.
The first time I located "L" was through a detective... but they didn't follow my wishes.  I just wanted the info and at a later date maybe some pictures, but he called "L" and gave her my number and she called me the same day.
"L" told me that my probable birthfather was a junkie.  I never met him, and he told others he didn't want to.  He is since deceased. She also said that after she had the affair with "Cole", she slept with "G" to cover her ass in case Cole would't take responsibility. At the time I wasborn, "L" and "G" were married.
The first time I met "L" was in the bar of a hotel I was staying at for a business trip.  She was already totally drunk, (I  think she had a total of at least 10 drinks that night) and proceeded to introduce me to all the strangers saying "Isn't she beautiful?  She's my daughter! Doesn't she look just like me? After a whole lot of uncomfortable pawing, I ended up paying for a taxi to drive her home.